How to Know if Your Husband is GAY?

A couple of weeks ago a friend sent me a link to a ChristWire.org article with 15 signs to tell if your husband is gay. This drew my eye, however I'm not sure how seriously to take it. I wasn't familiar with ChristWire.org. On first look it has every appearance of a real conservative Christian website, yet the more I explore the more it takes on a certain subversive Stephen Cobert kind of a tone... and the funnier it gets.

Well, I suppose this is a case of if you don't get the joke, maybe its because the joke is on you. Joke or not -- married or not, I wanted to see how I fit into the checklist -- just for fun. Depending on the answers I night even lose my official gay certification altogether. One can hope.  Here I go! 

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers.

• Yes, I have to say I am very private about my cell and computer usage, but no more than most I think.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way.

• Actually I'm a bit shy about eye to eye contact with someone I find attractive. It makes me blush just thinking about it. There is a thrill in the moment when you look at that guy across the room and you realize they're sending you a flirty look back.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups.

• This may be true, but if I'm inattentive in Church it's mostly because I'm bored.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home.

• "Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell." The article states. I won't own up to sweating or smelling too badly, but I guess I do have a bit of grit round about my place once in a while.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports.

• Nope to both. No gym memberships for me, and I'm not a big sports guy, though like a true masochist I'm a huge Chicago Cubs fan.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”.

• "Skinny" jeans are as trendy as my wardrobe gets.

7) Strange sexual demands.

• Next!

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films.

• Well, duh!

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia.

• No, but for dinner I reheated some General Tso's Chicken Chinese takeout.

10) Too many friendly young male friends.

• How can someone have too many?

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends.

• I'm all that and a bag of chips.

12) Love of pop culture.

• This is true! I've read the latest copy of Entertainment Weekly front to back, while the Ensign is practically untouched.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public.

• I'm shy about my bare chest in private!

14) Sudden heavy drinking.

• Not unless you include the ice cold Diet Sunkist I'm sipping on.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay? 

• The article says, "If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!"

Now that's a comprehensive list! Based on this I'm now prepared to warn any female marriage prospects about my smoldering, below the surface status as a homosexual.

All are forewarned.