I didn't go to Church today.
I don't have much of an excuse. I have a job that often precludes the ability to attend, but I was free today. Not that anyone would notice my absence. I'm a little paranoid, but I feel like the bishop sometimes makes a conscious effort to avoid me. Nevertheless, I should have gone to Church, but just thinking about walking into that chapel made me shudder.
Maybe I'm still gun-shy from the last time I went to Church -- about 3 weeks ago. It was midway through the second consecutive sacrament talk about the blessings of the Temple and families. I was on a side bench, without a family to sit with, and I started to hyperventilate. My own reaction surprised me. I'm usually thick skinned, and let little things run off me like water off a duck's back, but that day somehow the weakness in my armor was exposed. I'm sure the speaker meant no offense, but her comments struck a cord. I felt very much alone, surrounded by others who were obviously more worthy to have the blessings of children and a spouse.
Silently I kept asking do these people know how lucky they are?
Do they know what I would give to have what they have?
Listening to the self-satisfied tone of the talk I noticed my anger start to rise, and my face redden. There was something about the speaker's delivery that made me feel excluded; a stranger in my Church Home. I couldn't have felt anymore out of place if I had been wearing a Santa suit to Church in August.
I had to get out. There were thirty minutes to go before the closing hymn, but I couldn't sit another moment longer. Walking up the isle I had to resist the urge to speed walk to the exit in a panic, and in my car I had to sit for a minute while my heart rate normalized before I could drive away.
Then once alone in my apartment the questioning hit like a storm: am I doomed to an existence alone, unloved, and unremembered? How many more years of this can I take? I thought I'd wept all the tears I have on the subject. Why am I now suddenly so pathetic?
I'm just not ready to go back. I guess that's why I stayed home today.
There are Sundays when Church is just too painful to attend.
