Saturday, September 18, 2010

Culinary Perversion... or What I Had for Lunch Yesterday.

Heaven knows I am a sinner.

There's no getting around that.

I'm constantly repenting for something, and most of the time I do feel bad about my infractions, but there is a sin I get caught in day after day. I'd feel worse about this sin if it wasn't so satisfying... so enticing.

The deadly sin I confess is Gluttony. [gasp!] I struggle with others. Sloth maybe, Envy perhaps, and most days just a gust of wind is enough to whip up some Lust (what can I say?), but I relish in Gluttony! (Sorry! Stupid puns should be the eighth deadly sin.)

I love a good meal! Be it prepared by a chef and served on china, or come hot off the burrito wagon and served on Chinet -- as long as its clean, fresh, and tasty I'm not a snob. To me a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese, when made correctly, can be proudly served along side my pan seared Rib-eye with sherry vinegar steak sauce. I love to eat, and I have the appetite to match a plague of crickets devouring the pioneer's crops.

And look out! When I'm hungry I get a little cranky. Just keep your fingers out of the range of my mouth and you'll be fine.

Not surprisingly I'm a fan of fast food. In an effort to assemble the perfect meal I once drove around on a double date to Burger King for Whoppers, McDonald's for fries, Jack in the Box for salads, Taco Bell for an ice cold Mountain Dew Baja Blast, and then topped it all off with Frostys from Wendy's.  We took our "movable feast" to a park and laughed as we consumed our one in a million meal.

With fast food there rarely are any real surprises. My Big Mac here should taste just like the one I ate in Times Square, and that in turn should taste just like the one I first had at the age of ten. Its the food's consistency that gives it it's power. It's called comfort food because you know exactly what you're going to get.

Yesterday, however, I was introduced to something truly unexpected... even a little scary

My best friend Josh was supposed to come over to my place after work, and called to say he was running late. When I mentioned that I was hungry, he offered to pick us up something. I suggested pizza, but he cryptically said he had something else in mind. I started to ask questions, but he cut me off midsentance, and told me to wait and see. Thirty minutes later he showed up with a huge McDonald's bag and said triumphantly, "I bring you the McGangBang!"

"The what?" I said suddenly unsure I still had an appetite.

"Yeah, I know the name is kinda crude, but give it a chance." He said with a smile. "People at work have been talking about it. It's strictly an off-menu item, but the McDonald's down by the University will make them on demand."

We sat down and I unwrapped my sandwich. What I found was  a gastronomic bastard child -- a burger formed by the unholy union of two popular items from the Dollar Menu: the double cheeseburger and a McChicken sandwich. In what is an act against nature, an entire McChicken sandwich is placed between the patties of a double cheeseburger!  It wasn't pretty, but it was impressive, not to mention cost-effective. One McGangBang can be yours at a recession busting $2.16. Without a doubt, it's a sandwich that's more than the sum of its parts.

Josh went on to tell me that if they used a spicy McChicken instead of just the regular McChicken, it would have been called an "Unprotected McGangBang". I was glad he had started me out with the safer version. I had to laugh wondering what twisted mind came up with this culinary monstrosity. At first I was skeptical about how it would taste. I just didn't think that exact combo of bread, beef and chicken would get along very well, but it smelled good, and after a few hesitant bites it wasn't so bad. It wasn't pretty, but the different textures and flavors came together in a surprising way.

Just remember if you do take this walk down the Dollar Menu wild side... be careful. Not all bowels are created equal.


El Genio said...

Gross. I'm sorry, but I have always said that friends don't let friends eat at McDonalds.

Ahab said...

That close-up picture of a Big Mac was surprisingly grotesque!

The McGangBang sounds like a horror show for the digestive track. How are you recovering after eating it?